Lighter Shades of Grey Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  "Fifty Shades of Grey"

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapters Seven and Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapters Twelve and Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapters Sixteen and Seventeen

  Chapters Eighteen and Nineteen

  Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapters Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four

  Chapters Twenty-five and Twenty-six

  Appendices

  Appendix One

  Appendix Two

  Appendix Three

  Your Intrepid Reviewer

  About Cassandra Parkin

  About Collca

  Copyright

  Lighter Shades of Grey

  A (very) Critical Reader’s Guide to “Fifty Shades of Grey”

  Cassandra Parkin

  For the best English teacher I ever had

  John Bond

  Who once wrote the word “coo” in the margin of my essay

  and saved me from a lifetime of flowery prose

  “Fifty Shades of Grey”

  An introduction

  “I always knew there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe” (Arthur Dent)

  As of the time of writing, more than ten million copies of E L James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey” have been sold worldwide. By the time you read this, its sales may well have doubled. And by the end of the week, we should be passing through the “Fifty Shades of Grey Event Horizon”, where copies of existing books spontaneously start featuring the phrase “Oh my” at strategic locations, and all covers begin to resemble monochrome close-ups of pieces of men’s clothing.

  Even if you feel there’s something wrong with a world where this book will shortly be outselling bread, it’s hard to argue that “Fifty Shades of Grey” isn’t…significant. And a book this…significant…deserves to be subjected to thorough textual analysis. By taking it apart into teeny tiny small little pieces and putting those pieces under a spiteful, mean-spirited microscope, we may all just learn something about the elusive nature of the bestseller.

  And at the very least, we’ll all get to spend time enjoyably picking holes in the success of others. And time spent having fun is rarely wasted, I think.

  Who is this book for?

  Some of us have unashamedly embraced the “Fifty Shades” happening, and are cheerfully recommending it to everyone who will stand still long enough to listen. If you think Christian Grey’s tousled hair and well-hung pants are hotter than the centre of the Earth, this book is for you. Because right now, as you read this sentence, hundreds of people are insulting the book you love. It’s important to be prepared for the kind of arguments they’re likely to put to you.

  Some of us like to pretend we’re above it all, but have still got a shameful “Fifty Shades” copy shoved furtively underneath the bed or hidden away on our Kindles. If you’re trying to decide whether you love “Fifty Shades” or hate it, this book is here to help you make up your mind.

  Finally, a few of us have braved accusations of elitism and literary snobbery and declared our intention never to read “Fifty Shades” because it’s crap, and have been instantly besieged with people asking how you can possibly KNOW that when you haven’t even READ it, what are you AFRAID of, are you afraid you might LIKE it or something? If you want to be able to pick big giant holes in “Fifty Shades” without having to actually read it, this book is definitely for you.

  The “Fifty Shades” plot: Virgin meets Billionaire, does BDSM

  When gawky twenty-one-year-old virgin Anastasia Steele is sent to interview gorgeous billionaire Christian Grey for her college newspaper, they find themselves drawn to each other. And when Christian reveals that he is, in his words, “fifty shades of fucked up” and can only enjoy sexual relationships based on submission and control, Ana agrees to explore her boundaries with him and see if they can find a way to make it work.

  Ana and Christian then have quite a lot of sex, ranging in style from vanilla to moderately kinky. Despite their best efforts, at the end of the book they decide they are just too different to make it work, leaving them devastated, and also perfectly placed for the sequels, “Fifty Shades Darker” and “Fifty Shades Freed”.

  So why are we all buying “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

  Sometimes, it’s possible to blame the publishing industry, for heavy promotion of books which some of us might not think deserve quite as much attention as they’re getting. Not this time.

  Unlike previous summer blockbusters such as “Valley of the Dolls” and “The Da Vinci Code”, “Fifty Shades of Grey” has not been rammed down the throats of an unsuspecting public using a large stick and a vast marketing investment. “Fifty Shades” is a true viral hit, beginning as a self-published e-book from its author’s website before being picked up by a small e-publisher and then finally making the breakthrough to a mahoosive print deal with Doubleday.

  Which basically means that - however much we try and act all superior and baffled – we unquestionably did this to ourselves.

  Mommy porn

  In an attempt to explain the book’s success, some reviewers have spawned the objectionable phrase “Mommy porn”. Their thesis is that none of us women have ever before read or even heard of any form of erotic writing in our entire lives, at all, ever. And that’s why we’re all stockpiling “Fifty Shades” copies in our underwear drawer.

  Well, it’s nice to know that book reviewers still lead such naïve cloistered lives that they don’t know how we entertain ourselves when the kids are at school but The Jeremy Kyle Show isn’t on yet. Bless.

  “Fifty Shades” and Fan Fiction: the “Twilight” connection

  For the uninitiated, Fan Fiction describes non-profit-making works in which authors take characters from existing books, films, TV series or other creative works, and create new stories. Fanfics are posted on vast online sharing sites, so that like-minded souls can enjoy the author’s work. To protect their identities, most Fanfic authors post their work pseudonymously.

  The scope of Fan Fictions can vary enormously. Many are simply short stories featuring two characters the author admires, extensively getting it on with each other. At the other end of the spectrum, some Fanfic authors produce novel-length Alternative Universe (AU) stories which keep only a few elements of the original work.

  “Fifty Shades of Grey” began life as a “Twilight” Fan Fiction. It was posted under the pen-name Snowqueen Icedragon, which I can assure you is a long way from being the very strangest pseudonym on the site, and was entitled “Master of the Universe”.

  “Fifty Shades” readers familiar with “Twilight” will soon notice a number of eerie similarities between Edward and Christian, between Bella and Ana, between Emmett and Elliot, etc. Despite this, there’s really not much mileage in claiming that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is just “Twilight” by another name. The central premise of the “Twilight” saga is “vampire and werewolf in love-triangle with human”, and it has to be said that there are absolutely no vampires or werewolves in “Fifty Shades”.

  Also, Stephenie Meyer has publically shared her firm opinion that the two texts exist independently of each other, and it seems only fair that she gets the casting vote.

  And before we all start laughing too hard at the notion of grown adults writing a story that once shared cyberspace with Mr Spock and Captain Kirk taking a bath, changin
g a few names, then turning it into a blockbusting bestseller, let’s just remind ourselves of how many copies of “Fifty Shades” we, as a species, have now bought. Again, people – we have done this to ourselves.

  Besides, why on earth would we laugh at the book’s Fanfic origins when there’s so much else to go at…?

  Chapter One

  In which we meet our protagonists, learn about how businesses work, and look at quite a lot of sandstone

  Our first meeting with our heroine

  I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal…Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. (p3)

  A bad start.

  In the scheme of things, Ana, bad hair is not a problem. Please try to be less self-absorbed.

  I seriously doubt that Kate got flu just to spite you.

  Anastasia arrives at Christian Grey’s headquarters and takes the elevator

  I walk into the enormous – and frankly intimidating – glass, steel and white sandstone lobby. Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman smiles pleasantly at me (p4)

  [on exiting the elevator:]

  I’m in another large lobby – again all glass, steel and white sandstone. I’m confronted by another desk of sandstone and another young blonde woman dressed impeccably in black and white. (p5)

  Note to E L James. It is not possible to create the impression of luxurious yet understated opulence simply by over-using the word “sandstone”.

  Note to Ana. Maybe you just got in the lift and forgot to press the button.

  Photo: C+H [flickr]

  Anastasia waits outside Christian’s office to start the interview

  To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. (p6)

  Dear E L James,

  In literary terms, there is no such thing as a “classic British novel”. There are Romantic novels, picaresque novels, High Victorian novels, epistolary novels, Utopian novels, satirical novels, Condition-of-England novels…but not “classic British novels”.

  Therefore, merely by the use of the phrase “classic British novel”, you have entirely undermined the impression you were intending to create by the use of the phrase “classic British novel”.

  Anastasia speculates on what Christian Grey will be like

  Judging from the building, which is too clinical and modern, I guess Grey is in his forties: fit, tanned and fair-haired to match the rest of the personnel. (p6)

  Dear Ana,

  A more logical way to estimate his age would be to consider the typical length of time it would take to reach the position of CEO of a multinational conglomerate, make the working assumption that he attended college, then add likely career length to likely graduation age. There is little or no point trying to estimate people’s ages based on the architectural style of the building they happen to be in at the time.

  Really successful businesspeople almost never hire people on the basis of how much said prospective employees resemble them.

  Further speculation on Christian Grey’s hiring practices

  Perhaps Mr Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if that’s legal, when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, attractive African-American man with short dreads exits. I have definitely worn the wrong clothes. (p7)

  Okay Ana,

  Between 2% and 4% of the world’s population are naturally blonde. Even if this were legal (which we’ll get to shortly), insisting on all your employees being blonde would create a ridiculously restrictive limit on your available talent pool, as well as making everyone who came across you question your sanity. Since Christian Grey is apparently very successful and well-regarded, the chances of him imposing such a bizarre requirement are small.

  Please stop speculating if this is legal or not. You have been to college.

  Your entire theory is based on meeting a total of two employees. This is an absurdly small sample and any conclusions drawn from such an inadequate range are highly likely to be wrong. For example, if I were to judge your entire novel based on the one per cent I’ve read so far, I might accidentally conclude it was written by an idiot.

  This is the best example of tokenism I have ever seen. You may be eligible for some sort of award.

  Your statement “I have definitely worn the wrong clothes” implies that briefly sharing physical space with a black man requires some sort of special outfit. Please elaborate.

  Anastasia enters Christian’s office

  I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. (p7)

  Hey there E L,

  We all know that “Fifty Shades” began as a “Twilight” Fan Fiction. We all also know that falling over with no provocation is one of Bella Swan’s most recognisable traits. However, the minute you used the Find / Replace function to convert from Bella Swan to Anastasia Steele, you instantly became free of the constraints of your original genre. Anastasia is not obliged to fall over. You may want to consider this, because…

  I have been in a lot of meetings in my life, and I have seen a lot of people walk through a lot of doors to get into them. However, I have never, ever, ever seen a grown adult (man or woman) fall over and land face-down on the floor of a meeting-room. And I’m including meetings where half the participants were drunk.

  I’m not saying it never happens. I’m just saying it doesn’t sound very plausible, and therefore it sounds dumb.

  We get to see what Christian Grey looks like

  He’s tall…with unruly dark-copper-coloured hair (p7)

  Note to readers: this in itself is not annoying. However, it represents the start of a disconcerting love-affair with Robert Pattinson’s Twilight hairstyle that will shortly become excruciating.

  Christian Grey’s office

  His office is way too big for just one man. (p8)

  That would be because his office is also his meeting room, where he holds his meetings, which involve other people coming into the room and then being in it.

  Christian Grey explains the secrets of his business success

  “Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivise them.” (p10)

  Hi there, Christian, nice to meet you. Now listen up:

  This is not how real people talk.

  Especially since the idiom you’re actually looking for is “what makes them tick”.

  More magnificence from Mr Grey’s Big Book of Business

  “My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that.” (p10)

  Dear Christian,

  Talking about yourself in the third person is an inherently weird thing to do. This is true even if you are the Queen of England. The Queen of England is eighty-six and has never had anyone correct her on it. What’s your excuse?

  Businesspeople have projects, plans, objectives, goals, proposals, enterprises or ventures. Schemes are for Super-villains.

  Even more magnificence

  “I make decisions based on logic and facts.”(p10)

  Christ almighty, as opposed to what?

  This is all from the same unbroken paragraph of direct speech, by the way

  “I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people.”(p10)

  I bet you can also design roller-coasters in under six hours and stare at the sun unblinking.

  Christian’s thoughts on how to win friends and influence people

  “Immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.” (p10)

  No, I think it’s pro
bably acquired by a whole lot of hard work.

  If you want to impress a girl (rather than have her run screaming from the room with her coat over her head), then this is really more of a third-date revelation.

  Bizarre hiring policies

  “I employ over forty thousand people, Miss Steele…If I were to decide I was no longer interested in the telecommunications business and sell up, twenty thousand people would struggle to make their mortgage payments after a month or so.”(p10)

  Possible explanations for this extraordinary remark:

  Your entire empire is telecommunications, therefore forty thousand telecoms employees. Your business is so lamentably over-staffed that any buyer could instantly lay off at least half your workforce within a month of purchase with no consequences whatsoever – something which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.

  Telecommunications represents half of your business empire, and is staffed in proportion. If you were to sell it, the buyer would somehow be able to run it at a profit without needing anyone working for them at all – a point which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.

  You’re indulging in a spot of dubious grandstanding to impress Anastasia. Therefore, you’re an idiot.

  Christian in his spare time

  “I’m a very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I have expensive and absorbing hobbies.”(p11)

  Soon he’ll be offering to show her his special gold-plated toilet-paper.

  Question: “You invest in manufacturing. Why, specifically?”

  Answer: “I like to build things.”(p11)

  I laughed so loudly at this that the cat got up and ran out of the room in a panic.