Lighter Shades of Grey Read online

  Have a little faith

  It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line…He’s enjoying my astounded expression…That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible. (p135)

  Ha! Wait till you give birth.

  Ew, ew, ew

  He’s my very own Christian Grey flavour popsicle. (p137)

  Photo: thebittenword.com [flickr]

  Not their best-selling line.

  Anna finds her inner labrador

  “Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”

  Orgasm! Another one! (p138)

  Dog biscuits for dinner! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!

  Expanding horizons

  “Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.” (p142)

  What, like the village of one of those uncontacted tribes or something?

  Suffocating parenting in action

  [Christian’s mother, overheard talking to Mrs Jones]

  “But if he’s still in bed, then he must be ill. He’s never in bed at this time. Christian never sleeps in.” (p143)

  Dear Mrs Grey,

  There are many things Christian could be doing in his bedroom that do not necessarily involve either being in bed, or being ill. These include dressing, undressing, lounging around reading the papers, having sex, having solo sex, looking at his hair in the mirror, taking a little nap and staring blankly out of the window.

  As a trained medical professional like yourself should know, even if he isn’t well, there’s quite a lot of room between “ill enough to be in bed” and “at Death’s door”. Some of us prefer to puke into a basin without an audience.

  If Christian really is in his late twenties and no longer lives at home, how the hell would you know whether or not he sleeps late occasionally?

  An outstanding piece of explanation

  [Mrs Jones to Mrs Grey] “Mrs Grey, he’s not alone.”

  What do you mean he’s not alone?”

  “He has someone with him.” (p143)

  Brilliant! This might just beat “I like to build things” from Chapter One.

  Chapter Ten

  In which Ana meets Christian’s mother and – against all expectation – gets home safely

  The world’s most awkward encounter

  “Come on, we need to get dressed – that’s if you want to meet my mother.”

  …”I have no clean clothes in here.”

  …”You can wear something of mine.” (p145)

  Or maybe Ana could just go out naked and carrying a huge placard with the words “I FUCKED YOUR SON TILL HIS EYES ROLLED BACK IN HIS HEAD”, written in blood and maybe a little bit of bodily fluids. That would work too.

  They fuck you up, your mum and dad

  Perhaps meeting her will help put a little part of the jigsaw in place. Might help me understand why Christian is the way he is… (p145)

  Things Ana might notice about Christian’s mother that help explain the way he is

  EITHER

  Christian’s mother is wearing a leather catsuit

  Christian’s mother makes him crawl around on his hands and knees and bark like a dog

  Christian’s mother makes frequent lascivious references to how much she enjoyed spanking him when he was a little boy

  Christian’s mother has a bible tucked under her arm and a mad gleam in her eye and makes frequent reference to Sinful Fornicators Who Will Burn In Hell

  Christian’s mother insists on wearing Marigolds even though she’s not doing the dishes

  OR

  Christian’s mother is a perfectly nice, normal woman who just wants to meet her son’s girlfriend

  Because back in the real world, where the well-rounded grown-ups live, an interest in BDSM says about as much about your mental health and childhood experiences as an interest in philately.

  Ana meets Christian’s mother

  “What a pleasure to meet you,” she murmurs. If I’m not mistaken, there is wonder and maybe stunned relief in her voice and a warm glow in her hazel eyes. (p145)

  I could spend hours thinking of reasons why Christian’s mother might be relieved, but my personal favourite is that she’s thinking, “Well, shit, at least he hasn’t killed this one.”

  Continuity fail

  “This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what’s involved...you’d be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs.

  Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop… (p148)

  Internet! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!

  Ana, if you need a computer to help you interpret clauses such as “The Submissive will remember to eat, breathe, sleep and not fuck other men” or “The Dominant will not piss on you, light you on fire, or piss on you if you are on fire” then you might want to re-think your ability to live in the real world.

  Please regale me with your explanation of how you have managed to get through four years at college without your own computer.

  This is a minor point, but while you’re at it, could you explain how, without having access to a computer of your own, you managed to put any music on that iPod of yours?

  Sometimes people think about stuff which has nothing at all to do with the people they work for

  “Safe trip, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele.” Taylor looks kindly at me, though perhaps there’s a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his grey eyes.

  No doubt he thinks I’ve succumbed to Mr Grey’s dubious sexual habits. (p149)

  Could be, Ana. Or maybe he’s thinking about the girl he’s meeting at the bar later. Or how the Mariners will do this season. Or whether he remembered to switch the iron off. Or how his mom got on at the hospital this morning. Or what to have for dinner.

  But you’re probably right; he’s almost certainly thinking about you. Because of all the things there are to think about in this world, other peoples’ sex lives are always by far the most fascinating.

  A mother’s worst nightmare

  “My mother liked you,” he says dryly.

  “Really?” His words make me flush with pleasure.

  “Oh yes. She’s always thought I was gay.” (p152)

  Oh, Mrs Grey, your son isn’t gay! Good Lord, no! He’s just a sadistic, emotionally-closed man-child with marked sociopathic tendencies whose best approximation of human intimacy is to kidnap women from imaginary dangers so he can tie them up and cane them!

  So you can relax. Because at least he’s not in a loving, functioning, mutually satisfying relationship with someone with a Y chromosome.

  Photo: BlindGrasshopper [flickr]

  Here’s to you, Mrs Robinson

  [Christian to Ana] “One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen.”

  “Oh.” Holy shit that’s young! (p154)

  Holy shit that’s child abuse and the statutory rape of a minor! Holy shit that’s another major felony that’s completely failed to raise a blip on your moral radar! Holy shit if I just freakin’ killed someone right in front of you and asked you to help me hide the body, would you call the cops on me or just shrug and reach for the shovel?

  Ana and Christian discuss their future together

  “Is this what our, err…relationship will be like?” I whisper. “You ordering me around?”

  …”Yes, he murmurs…”And what’s more, you’ll want me to,” he adds, his voice low.

  I seriously doubt that. (p155)

  Then don’t frickin’ do it, you loser. If Christian Grey told you to stick your hand in a blender because according to him you might enjoy it, would you – no, wait, actually you probably would.

  Christian Grey, expert in body-language

  “I’m glad you can’t read my mind.”

  “Your mind, no, Anastasia, but your body – that I’ve got to know quite well since yesterday.” (p157)

  Just so we’re clear, Christian - is that before or after the incident when you were unable to
distinguish between Ana having an orgasm and Ana in agonising pain?

  Ana comes over all flirty

  “Oh…by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.” I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. (p158)

  And somewhere in a parallel universe, Christian Grey gives Ana a coy smile, hoicks up his own waistband, and murmurs, “What a coincidence…”

  Again. Spine.

  [Kate to Ana] “Well, how was it?...”

  …suddenly I feel shy. I blush. It was very private. All of it. Seeing and knowing what Christian has to hide. But I have to give her some details, because she won’t leave me alone until I do. (p158)

  No, Ana, you really don’t need to tell her anything at all.

  Then again, you didn’t need to let her stand over you in the bath and shave your armpits for you either.

  Ana starts hallucinating

  My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face…

  My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long skinny finger, then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much. (p159)

  Are your inner goddess and your subconscious aware of each other’s presence? Do you think maybe they discuss you when you’re not there? Do they have special afternoon tea-parties where they put rum in their tea and giggle a lot before passing out in the cream-cakes?

  The whole point of the NDA is to limit the amount of airtime his sexual predilections receive. Of course he isn’t going to sue, you dimwit.

  Ana remembers something important

  Moving. Crap – I’d forgotten all about that, even with the packing cases surrounding us. (p160)

  That’s okay Ana, you can’t remember where you’re supposed to be moving to anyway.

  The world’s luckiest outcome

  [Ana to Kate] “Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!”

  …“I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.” (p161)

  Let’s hope you can find them once they’re opened.

  Continuity fail

  Do I really want to know the extent of Christian’s depravity? It’s so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope. (p164)

  Ana, this moment where you open the envelope containing your and Christian’s proposed contract would have carried so much more tension if you hadn’t already read and extensively discussed the thing, back on page 105.

  Chapter Eleven

  In which Ana discovers the infinite playground of wonders that is the digital age

  When drafting a really iron-clad contract, it’s important to cover all eventualities

  4. The Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious or life-threatening illnesses including but not limited to HIV, Herpes and Hepatitis. If…either party should be diagnosed with…any such illness he or she undertakes to inform the other immediately.

  …Any breach [of this clause] will render [this contract] void with immediate effect. (p166)

  “Right! That’s it! You wilfully infected me with a life-limiting disease and so I am cancelling this contract, do you hear me?”

  That would totally be the first thing on my mind, too.

  Ew ew ew ew ew

  15.12 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training and discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic and safe state at all times. (p169)

  Will he be cleaning it all himself, or is this another job for Mrs Jones the housekeeper?

  Twenty-first century woman

  Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn’t the marriage ceremony use those words…obey? This throws me. Do couples still say that? (p175)

  Not since about 1928, love, no.

  Ana has a conversation with two people who aren’t even there

  You can’t seriously be considering this…My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this…otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company. (p176)

  Actually, Ana, your subconscious almost always sounds sane and rational. There’s very little she’s said so far that I’d disagree with.

  “We” can’t possibly end up “alone” since pretty much by definition, being “alone” requires an absence of plurality.

  Number of people on the planet: 6.8 billion

  Number of men on the planet: about 3.4 billion

  Number of men you have so far attempted to have a relationship with: 1

  Number of men remaining: 3,399,999,999

  Amount of sense you are making in concluding that not being Christian’s Submissive will automatically lead to you becoming a lonely old cat-lady: too small to compute

  And besides what’s so terrible about being a lonely old cat-lady, hey? Hey? Hey?

  Am I the only one who thinks Ana might actually be happier with Kate?

  Perhaps I should borrow Kate’s pink flannel pyjamas. I want something cuddly and reassuring about me. (p176)

  Am I submissive?...I’m shy, yes…but submissive? I let Kate bully me – is that the same? (p176)

  Hard to say, really. Does Kate bullying you turn you on? Did you enjoy it when she got in the bath with you and helped you remove your body-hair?

  And do you often share nightclothes?

  Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]

  Things that are not dreams (4)

  I close my eyes, and I drift into a heavy sleep with occasional dreams of four-poster beds and shackles and intense grey eyes. (p177)

  It’s like you just flicked through a copy of the Agent Provocateur catalogue and cut out some random shapes and stuck them in an album, isn’t it?

  How very dare he: the world’s rudest delivery guy

  “I have a package for you here, but I have to set it up and show you how to use it.”

  “Really? At this time?”

  “Only following orders, ma’am.”…

  Did he just call me ma’am? Have I aged ten years overnight?...My mouth puckers in disgust. (p177)

  Disgusting! How dare he behave in a respectful and courteous manner! What the hell happened to the days when deliverymen turned up in their dirty underwear, threw the parcel at your head, tweaked your left nipple, kicked the cat, cursed out the kids, insulted your husband, spat off your porch and pissed in the mailbox?

  Oh come on

  “Well, this [MacBook Pro] has full wireless N, and I’ve set it up with your Me account details…”

  “Me account?”

  “Your new email address.”

  I have an email address? (p178)

  Ana, at this point I’m starting to wonder if you even have a pulse.

  Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (9)

  José is punctual. He comes bounding into the shop like a gambolling dark-eyed puppy. (p182)

  Awww. Does he leave a little excited puddle on the floor, too?

  Teenage kicks

  Miss Steele

  Stop e-mailing me – and do your assignment.

  I’d like to award another A.

  The last one was so well deserved. ;)

  Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley…oh my. (p184)

  Ana’s scale of gestures that tell you someone likes you

  Going for coffee = he probably does this with all the girls

  Taking me for a ride in his helicopter = well, it’s quicker than the freeway

  Having wild dirty sex all over the house = maybe he was just being a good host

  Sending me a winking smiley: OMG I THINK HE MIGHT LIKE ME <3 <3 <3

  Chapters Twelve and Thirteen

  In which Christian date-rapes Ana, but no-one seems to notice

  Ana feels th
e need for some exercise

  For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. (p187)

  So in the past, people have been making you run under duress?

  Actually, I can believe that.

  Ana’s sneakers are nasty even though she never wears them

  I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweat pants, and a t-shirt. (p187)

  Maybe the Sneaker Gnomes have been borrowing them when you’re not looking.

  Or maybe Kate and José try them on sometimes. Because it’s one way for them to get closer to you.

  Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (2)

  Kate is walking from her car as I head out of the door. She nearly drops her shopping when she sees me. Ana Steele in sneakers. (p187)

  Photo: triplefivechina [flickr]

  Photo: giuskalab [flickr]

  Oh, I totally see her point.

  Bet Ana’s parents are really glad they worked so hard on building that college fund

  Perhaps I should negotiate what I want. Go through that ridiculous contract line by line and say what is acceptable and what isn’t. My research has told me that legally it’s unenforceable. (p187)

  No, Ana, you don’t know this because of your research. You know this because of the seventeen years of reasonably high-quality education you’ve received, during which at some point you presumably covered the Abolitionist movement, which made slavery of all kinds illegal.

  “No” means “turn up uninvited and try and talk me round”

  [Ana to Christian, by email]

  Okay, I’ve seen enough.

  It was nice knowing you.

  Ana. (p188)

  I don’t know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye…but when I do, he’s standing in the doorway of my bedroom watching me intently. (p189)