Lighter Shades of Grey Read online

  And if by “yes” you mean “yes, I have been on the receiving end of anal sex”, please remember that up your ass is the quickest route to your prostate, and pressure on the prostate can bring many men to orgasm. Sadly this is highly unlikely to work for Ana.

  I’m not saying she won’t enjoy it. I’m just saying that you can’t possibly use your own pleasurable experiences to predict whether or not she’s going to like it.

  Also: Strategies Two (countering) and Three (minimising)

  Anna, your inner goddess is disgusting

  “And…swallowing semen. Well, you get an A in that.”

  I flush, and my inner goddess smacks her lips together, glowing with pride. (p256)

  Maybe you could get him to save some in a jar so your inner goddess can have it on her toast in the mornings.

  Christian Grey, emotional abuser, really gets down to business

  “Look, earlier today, you were talking about wanting more…I’m willing to try. Maybe one night a week…[but] I have one condition.”

  He’s bought me a damned car, brand-new by the looks of it. Jeez…I’ve had enough trouble with the books…the overriding emotion is anger. (p260 – 261)

  The Christian Grey translator:

  “To make you do what I want, I will offer you a brief pretence at emotional closeness. However, I don’t want to actually have to deliver on this. So I’ll start by saying it might not work, which gives me an excuse to stop trying almost immediately. And in return, you have to compromise on something you’ve already expressed a profound unhappiness about.”

  Seriously. This is textbook stuff

  “Anastasia, that Beetle of yours is old and frankly dangerous. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you when it’s so easy for me to make it right.” (p261)

  “I can see you’re going to be difficult, so I will disguise my basic motivation (to control all aspects of your life) as anxiety to protect you.”

  Every trick in the book

  “I mentioned it to your stepfather. He was all for it.” (p261)

  “Let’s invoke an authority-figure to persuade you that I’m right and you’re wrong. Did I speak to Ray? Doesn’t matter; I’ll still say I did, and you probably won’t check.”

  This could be, like, a teaching text or something

  “It’s a gift, Anastasia. Can’t you just say thank you?” (p262)

  “I’ll now imply you’re being rude and ungrateful, making you feel as though you’re in the wrong.”

  Someone please buy Ana a copy of “Why does he do that?” by Shirley Golden

  “But you know it’s too much.”

  “Not to me it isn’t, not for my peace of mind.” (p262)

  “Let’s pile on some more pressure. How dare you be so thoughtless towards my feelings, making me worry about you when all you have to do to make me happy is to sacrifice a deeply-felt principle?”

  And it just keeps coming

  “It’s taking all my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I’ll buy you a fucking car,” he growls. “Now, let’s get you inside and naked.” (p262)

  “Now I’m going to conflate anger with sex, thus setting up in your mind a sinister association between ‘he’s getting violent’ with ‘because he really cares’.”

  Anyone else feeling a little bit sick?

  Boy, he’s angry. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the apartment and straight into my bedroom…no passing go…

  “Please don’t be angry with me,” I whisper…”I’m sorry about the car and the books.” I trail off. He remains silent and brooding. “You scare me when you’re angry,” I breathe, staring at him. (p262)

  “I’ve now got exactly what I want. Ana has gone from righteous anger to terrified appeasement. She’s scared of me. Excellent. I’ve learned exactly which buttons to push to get her to do whatever I want, and Ana’s learned that bad things will happen to her if she argues with me.”

  The Finale…

  He closes his eyes and shakes his head. When he opens them, his expression has softened fractionally. He takes a deep breath and swallows.

  “Turn around,” he whispers. “I want to get you out of that dress.”

  Another mercurical mood swing; it’s so hard to keep up. (p263)

  “Having shown Ana how I react when she’s assertive, articulate and strong, I’ll now show her how I react when she’s meek, abject and pleading. I won’t show remorse, because I never feel it. Instead I’ll suggest that she’s been graciously forgiven for being out of line. Hopefully next time, she’ll just do what I say in the first place and stop being so fucking independent all the time.”

  …and the Coda

  “Why don’t you like to be touched?” I whisper.

  “I had a very tough introduction to life. I don’t want to burden you with the details.” (p269)

  “And just so she doesn’t get any ideas about me needing to improve my behaviour, I’ll engage her sympathies. I had a rotten childhood, so I get to be as awful as I want. Feel sorry for me. Or I’ll hit you.”

  Let’s be serious for a moment. If any of this rings a terrifying bell for you, please get in touch with your local Women’s Aid organisation for advice. The numbers are usually programmed not to show up on your phone bill, so he’ll never know you called.

  There’s a way out of relationships like this. Always.

  Chapters Sixteen and Seventeen

  That was awful, wasn’t it? Let’s get back to the funny

  You know, lots of people just collect stamps

  “You’ve had six orgasms so far, and all of them belong to me,” he boasts. (p270)

  Tell me, Christian. How, exactly, do Ana’s orgasms belong to you? Do you find them on the bed after you’ve finished? Do you wrap them up in your handkerchief? Do you keep them in a drawer? Are you going to make cufflinks out of them? Do you show them to your mother?

  Well, at least he’s honest

  [Ana to Christian] “You’d kidnap me?”

  “Oh yes.” He grins. (p272)

  Oh, Ana, you loser, he already kidnapped you, back at the end of Chapter Four! Keep up.

  A serial killer in the making

  “So it’s not the pain you’re putting me through [that you enjoy]?”

  “A bit, to see if you can take it, but that’s not the whole reason. It’s the fact that you are mine to do with as I see fit – ultimate control over someone else. And it turns me on. Big time.” (p288)

  Next time you’re round at Christian’s place, Ana, will you do me a favour and check his cupboards? And if you find some Fava beans and a nice Chianti, make your excuses and leave quietly.

  Things that are not dreams (5)

  The candle-flame is too hot. It flickers and dances in the over-warm breeze, a breeze that brings no respite from the heat. Soft gossamer wings flutter to and fro in the dark, sprinkling dusty scales in the circle of light. I’m struggling to resist, but I’m drawn. And then it’s so bright, and I am flying too close to the sun, dazzled by the light, fried and melting from the heat, weary in my endeavours to stay airborne. I am so warm. The heat…it’s stifling, overpowering. It wakes me. (p290)

  So it’s bright, and hot, and bright, and bright, and hot, and hot, and dark even though there’s a candle, and bright, and bright, and bright, and bright, and hot, and hot, and hot, and you’re tired, and hot, and hot, and hot, and hot. And then you woke up.

  Good to know.

  Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (5)

  “So you felt demeaned, debased, abused and assaulted – how very Tess Durbeyfield of you.” (p293)

  Oh, for the love of –

  TESS. WAS. RAPED.

  Once you find a boyfriend, everyone else in your life is pretty much just taking up space, to be honest

  At four, Mr and Mrs Clayton gather all the other employees in the shop, and…present me with a check for three hundred
dollars. In that moment, three weeks of exams, graduation, intense, fucked-up billionaires, deflowering, hard and soft limits, playrooms with no consoles, helicopter rides, and the fact that I will move tomorrow, all well up inside me. Amazingly, I hold myself together. My subconscious is in awe. (p300)

  It might have been nicer if you’d taken the time to let four years of working together, sharing breaks, laughing at horrible customers, coping with busy Saturdays, being a valued member of a team, the occasional fun night out together, workplace cameraderie and the knowledge that you’ll almost certainly never again see most of these people who’ve been a part of your life for so long well up inside of you. But hey, you’re in love. That totally gets you off the hook for being a huge self-centred pig.

  Ana’s alternative Dictionary

  awe (n)

  a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of another’s astounding failure to be moved by the generosity of friends

  Do. Or do not. There is no try.

  [Christian’s brother Elliot installs the TV in Kate and Ana’s new place]

  He grins a wide white-toothed smile at Kate, and she almost literally dissolves into the couch. (p306)

  Grrr. You can’t “almost literally” do something any more than you can be “a little bit pregnant”.

  It sounds just awful

  The apartment [bought by Kate’s father] is not large, but it’s big enough, three bedrooms and a large living space… (p307)

  So that’s one bedroom for Kate, one bedroom for you and one bedroom for your huge sense of over-entitlement.

  But hey, he sent us alcohol, so that makes it all okay!

  [Kate to Ana] “Did you give [Christian] our address?”

  “No, but stalking is one of his specialties.”…

  Kate’s brow knits further.

  “Somehow I’m not surprised. He worries me, Ana. At least it’s a good champagne and it’s chilled.” (p308)

  Kate, “has good taste in champagne” is not a synonym for “is a safe and trustworthy person to invite into your life”.

  Just for the record – the reason why Ana didn’t give Christian your new address is because she couldn’t remember it.

  And that will never, ever, ever stop cracking my shit up as long as I live.

  Ana gets superpowers

  I can drive the Audi in high-heels! (p310)

  OMG! You go, girlfriend!

  Can you also leap tall buildings in a single bound?

  Ana and Christian make the papers

  He hands me the Seattle Times. On page eight, there’s a photograph of the two of us together at the graduation ceremony. Holy crap. I’m in the paper.

  And not beneath a headline reading “STEELE KIDNAP: POLICE FIND BODY”! Not the way I would have bet, to be honest.

  Ana briefly toys with becoming a reptile

  My heated blood cools. (p312)

  Don’t worry, Christian. Just pop her under the heat-lamp for ten minutes and she’ll perk right up.

  You might want to consider checking this woman’s credentials

  Dr Greene is tall, blonde and immaculate, dressed in a royal blue suit. I’m reminded of the women who work in Christian’s office. She’s like an identikit model – another Stepford blonde. (p314)

  You know, Ana, maybe he just paid one of the women from his office to turn up and act convincing. I mean, has this woman who Christian claims is a gynaecologist shown you her qualifications? Are you sure he’s not watching from the closet?

  Chapters Eighteen and Nineteen

  Slot A into B. In and out; Lather, rinse, repeat

  See, I just said that in a moment of idle speculation, but…

  [Dr Greene to Christian] “Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.”

  Christian is taken aback – as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say. (p315)

  Could that be because she isn’t a real doctor?

  Photo: Janz Images [flickr]

  What kind of a man are you?

  No man is an island, I muse – except perhaps Christian Grey. (316)

  Island, (n): A land mass, especially one smaller than a continent, entirely surrounded by water

  No, I’m fairly sure he isn’t an island either.

  Christian acting with due respect and regard for Ana’s needs, her limits and her mental well-being

  [Christian to Ana] “And I haven’t finished with you yet.”

  Not finished with me yet. Holy Moses. There’s no way I can do any more. I am utterly spent and fighting an overwhelming desire to sleep. (p325)

  Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure Mr Sensitive here will notice immediately that you’re exhausted. After all, he was the one fussing about the contract, right?

  Or…or maybe not

  I’m shaky and very ,very tired, monumentally confused….my eyelids start to droop.

  “Boring you, am I, Miss Steele?” (p326)

  Having due regard for her needs and limits are you, Mr Grey?

  You are? Right, fine, carry on.

  Could Ana be any slower on the uptake?

  Jeez…the cable ties. Restocking at Clayton’s! It all becomes clear. (p327)

  Ana, I bet you were you surprised when the ship sank in “Titanic” as well.

  When worlds collide

  Holy cow, I am meeting his folks! [Christian] just worked me over with a riding crop and tied me up using a cable tie which I sold him, for heaven’s sake – and I’m going to meet his parents. (p331)

  Holy cow Ana, you really have to understand that Christian’s parents do not need, want or have the ability to know what sort of sex you have recently had with their son.

  Besides, how the hell do you know they haven’t spent the afternoon getting busy with the riding-crop and the cable-ties?

  Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (4)

  I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear. (p332)

  So, what - you normally just keep it on when you shower, or something?

  A problem with a simple solution

  I realise [Christian’s] done this on purpose. He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he’ll either say yes or no. (p332)

  Word to the wise, Ana; when civilised people come to stay with their boyfriend for the weekend, they bring a change of panties with them.

  Ana is such a naughty girl

  In the relative safety of his apartment, it seemed like a fun, teasing idea. Now I’m almost outside with no panties! (p334)

  Ana, as I’m sure a fine student of the past like yourself will know, panties (in the sense of garments that covered a woman’s genitals) were not routinely worn by women until the late nineteenth century. Which means that Lizzie Bennett, Jane Eyre and Tess Durbeyfield probably all went outside with No Panties all the time.

  The homunculus argument

  My inner goddess sighs with relief. I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it’s a rather exposed part. (p335)

  Ana, since your “inner goddess” is technically not a separate entity in her own right, it seems unlikely that she has a brain of her own.

  Although thinking about it, that might explain what happened to yours.

  Let’s not all go jumping to premature conclusions

  I hear a screech from within the house…[Mia, Christian’s little sister] comes barrelling down the hall, raven haired, tall and curvaceous. She’s about my age.

  “Anastasia! I’ve heard so much about you.” She hugs me hard.

  Holy cow. I can’t help but smile at her boundless enthusiasm. (p337)

  Mia, your mother has spent about forty-eight seconds in Ana’s company.

  And Christian has this whole thing about The First Rule Of Fucking Someone Is, You Don’t Talk About Fucking Them.

  So I seriously doubt anyone’s told you any more than “oh, and also there’s this chick Ana
who Christian hasn’t managed to kill yet”.

  Ana, on a similar note, the only thing you’ve seen Mia do so far is come down the hall and greet you. It’s a bit early to be making judgements about Boundless Enthusiasm.

  So, in the spirit of not rushing into anything – E L James, I’m going to ignore the fact that Mia’s behaviour sounds like the way my kids (aged nine and six) greet their grandparents, and not form any conclusions about whether you’re qualified to write about adults.

  Although that’s a position that’s getting increasingly hard to sustain

  [Mia] drags me into the large vestibule.

  “He’s never brought a girl home before,” says Mia, dark eyes bright with excitement…

  ”Mia, calm down,” Grace admonishes softly…

  We all turn and head into the living-room. Mia has not let go of my hand. (p337)

  E L James, you do know that grown adults don’t usually need their parents to titrate their behaviour on social occasions, or hold the hands of strangers, right?

  Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (5)

  “Drinks?” Mr Grey seems to recover himself. “Prosecco?”

  “Please,” Christian and I speak in unison.

  Oh…this is beyond weird. Mia claps her hands.

  “You’ve even saying the same things. I’ll get them.” She scoots out of the room. (p338)

  Dear Mia. There are really only two answers to the question “Would you like some of this drink?” and these answers are, “Yes please” and “No thank you”. Since the question was addressed to Ana and Christian, there’s absolutely nothing weird about them both making the same reply.

  Dear E L James. Speaking from experience, Mia’s behaviour actually sounds a lot like an adult with Down’s syndrome.